Have you ever been clicking around the nets and you come to some story
about Taylor Swift or Lindsay Lohan and think to yourself “how the f-ck
do these women have so much money?” There are loads of people in
Hollywood with no discernable talent who seemingly make money by simply
breathing. However, what I’ve learned is while guys and girls might
disagree on looks or talent, most agree on how f-cking annoying certain
female celebrities are. These are the top five most unlikable female
celebrities.
Lindsay Lohan
There was a point in time where ginger was the new hot. Where Long
Island was the new LA. And it was strictly because of Lindsay Lohan.
Parlaying a kid star career to a teen dream career, Lindsay Lohan was
the girl every guy wanted to bang, and ever girl wanted to be back in
the early 2000. She was hot, fresh, talented, and she lived what seemed
to be a sick life full of parties and interviews and shopping. As a
native Long Islander, I envied her for the fame she created for herself.
Flash forward to 2013, and most girls would rather live the life Lena
Dunham is living in her show “Girls”, and most guys would rather f-ck a
Fleshlight covered in razor blades. After a string of shitty movies, a
couple of DUI’s, some coke possession charges, a few missed court
appearances, a hundred or so lip injections, a dysfunctional “one time
only” lesbian affair and two parents who make being raised by rabid
wolves look like a desirable childhood (among probably 900 other issues I
missed), this chick has lost any kind of credibility she once had.
Now a
days, you see her popping up in the tabloids for stupidity like
punching a trashy psychic in a club or crashing her car or stalking
random boy bands or now brushing her teeth for seemingly two years. She
is the epitome of why people hate Long Island. She is the poster child
of what not to be when your area code is 516 or 631. She is one of the
most irritating “starlets” because she is completely unaware of the
reality of what she is: one hot f-cking mess of entitlement. The girl is
talking about how she wants to win an Oscar some day, she couldn’t even
get her shit together enough to adequately read cue cards on SNL. It's
almost like there's a completely delusional sense of where she’s at in
her life and career. After reading the story in the New York Times that
covered her mood swings and psychotic behavior on the set of her low
budget indie film "The Canyons" where she has a four-way sex scene with a
porn star (quite a long jump from "Mean Girls"), my only thought was..
"f-ck dude, how much do those lips hurt? They look like they need a good
dose of Vagisil they’re so swollen."
My hope is the California judicial system – which has bent over and
spread cheek for Lohan for the last few years – finally says “bitch shut
the f-ck up” and sends her to prison for a few months. The girl could
benefit from some regulated showers and a forced distance between her
and whoever put those “Princess Ariel Mermaid Barbie” white girl weave
extensions in her hair.
Lena Dunham
Some people love her. Some people hate her. One thing I think we all
can agree on – no one wants to see Lena Dunham naked. Everyone is tired
of seeing Lena Dunham naked.
I have my own personal bias against Dunham. It has to do with writing
and being repped by the same people and just seeing the process from a
different angle.
But even if I didn’t have that personal beef, I would
still look at this chick and think “what the f-ck?” Why? Because she
puts my generation in the shallowest of forms, films it with a camera
that has an Instagram filter, gets naked in scenes that are about buying
shoes and people think this is genius. They are treating her like she
invented Williamsburg, which was quite comfortably gentrificated by
2005. I don’t get it. Maybe some of you do, but I don’t. Outside of all of that, you have this girl who two years no one knew,
talking about why she thinks people write, and that those who write for
money have a “weird plan”. Something tells me coming from a wealthy
family with connections that got her where she is today, she never had
to bartend to make ends meet so she COULD write.
And out of curiosity,
I’d love to know if she’s giving the $3.5 million she got for a book
deal, back since… you know, writing for money is weird. She recently
told Playboy that she would hate waking up to have a Victoria Secret
Body because she wouldn’t want people being nice to her just because she
is hot. “That must be hard,” she said.
Bit-h please. I LOVE my body.
But you want to know whose body I love more? Miranda Kerr. And admitting
that I’d love to wake up and have Miranda Kerr’s body one day, isn’t me
being insecure or being anti-feminist. It’s me being an honest woman
who appreciates a hot bit-h’s body and lives in the real world. This
whole “oh I’m so edgy and full of tattoos and against the grain of
standard because I’m kind of chubby” isn’t some new line form of
feminism. It’s f-cking annoying. Maybe it’s bitterness, maybe it’s a
twinge of jealousy. Or honestly, maybe it’s me being on the other end of
the things she does saying “the fuck is so special about her and why is
she always naked?”
"Girls" kicked in the door for a different style of television in a way.
And I will appreciate that for as long as my career keeps going because
in theory, had she not, I might not have gotten my opportunity to write
professionally. But the obnoxious side of her quick rise to fame
coupled with her showing up on every magazine cover, from Rolling Stone
to Pet Monthly talking about shit that makes her sound so out of touch
with the reality of what most mid-20s are going through, is something
that I think irritates everyone. Add that to her seemingly constant need
to be naked in her show, eh… I think we are all quietly waiting for
this girl to fade the way of other edgy new trends that ended up being
shitty and annoying, like MySpace and the Blackberry Storm.
Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift is the reason I never want to have a girl if I ever have
children. At 23, the girl is still using Lisa Frank stationary to write
lyrics that sound like a stream of consciousness exercise your 7th grade
creative writing teacher gave you. “I snuck out the window and went to
the barn and opened the door and you were there and we started to kiss
and we fell to the floor and the moon was so high on a southern night
and it’s us against the world and my dad and then you put your hand on
my boob and I started to cry and I said I’m not ready and you said
you’re a bit-h and you left me there and my mom said I told you so and
THIS PERSON’S NAME IS JAKE GYLENNHAL”.
That is a Swifty song. In a nutshell. And she is making BANK for them.
This is a chick who I genuinely believe has a secret bank account she is
going to use to fund the bioengineering of unicorns. At 23, she has
been tied to two dudes who are barely legal – Harry Styles of one of the
countless, indiscernible boy bands from England, who is 18, and then a
Kennedy who was a junior in high school when they started dating. You
have 250 million dollars and you’re dating a kid who has a permit and a
curfew. Seriously? I can’t with this one. I get why little girls in
middle school like her, but I also have to wonder why at 23, you want to
be able to relate to 12 year olds who are writing in their journals
about John who they dated for 7 hours breaking up with them but it’s
totes cool because Mike tweeted to her and they’re OMG so in luv4eva.
Taking the plunge from writing and singing about topics that are
relevant to anyone who still watches Nickelodeon shows into topics that
real women who are adults with jobs and no pet unicorns can relate to
would give her a lift in my eyes. But I don’t expect that to happen any
time soon. She’s too busy taking on real world issues guys, like OMG how
she is soooo totally over her last BF and she will tell you all about
this new hottie she met in 3rd period today at our sleepover Friday.
Don’t forget your stuffed animals and matching princess PJs.
Kim Kardashian
I admit, there was a time a few years ago that I actually kind of
secretly liked Kim Kardashian. And I think a lot of people might
secretly agree with me. Dudes used to think she was hot. Or at least hot
enough to download the sex tape she had with Ray J. And to me, I used
to think she was kind of business savvy with a solid relationship with
her sisters – something I could relate to.
Now, I’m just like... meh. Between Kris Humphries and Kanye, this woman
has solidified herself as one of the most irritating screechers on the
planet. It’s a level of fame whoring I didn’t think existed, and I just
think it’s an issue of being severely over exposed. She put a camera in
her life and threw a script with it, especially with the whole Kris
Humphries debacle, and now people are coming out against her on it and
so she goes and gets knocked up with a dude who actually made me feel
sorry once for Taylor Swift. A man who apparently doesn’t know how to
turn the caps lock off on his keyboard.
She pours her pregnant self into outfits that make her look like a
sausage someone might take a picture of because of it’s weird shape. She denies the fact that her “reality” show wasn’t so
real, even though it’s coming out in pieces that half that shit was
scripted and edited. She acts like a victim of the paparazzi when in
reality she is hiring crews to follower her around. I can’t find
sympathy for her. If I had her money, I’d quietly go into a state
non-existence and live on the beach for a few years doing pilates,
figuring out how to get my ass proportionate with the rest of my body.
Everyone is tired of seeing the Kardashians “taking” things: Miami, New
York, divorce papers, men’s dignity, big black penises. Just stop.
Kristen Stewart
This lip-biting, eye-fluttering, line stuttering hippie is the last on
my list. For someone whose entire career is based on one of the most
poorly written book series the world has ever seen, as well as the most
obnoxiously anti-feminist character of all time, you’d swear she
reinvented the f-cking wheel. There is nothing this girl won’t roll her
eyes at – award shows, red carpets, interviews, junkets. You know, shit
famous people kind of have to do to stay famous. She wears a pair of
converse kicks with a $7000 gown and thinks she’s being bad ass because
of it.
Because clearly she’s so above conventional fashion and trends.
She doesn’t shower, she doesn’t smile. She is one of those obnoxious
weed smokers who thinks she’s better than you because you do drugs.
Bit-h please, you were caught letting an old married dude go down on you
in a Mini Cooper in a parking lot like a preacher’s daughter.
The
dignity you think you have in wearing a backwards cap and flipping off
the paps isn’t real.
I don’t understand the hype in this girl because she basically reminds
me of Dana from "Homeland" with a thinner nose. She’s always biting her
lip, looking nervous, pulling at her clothes and mumbling. She comes off
as too good for anything and totally ungrateful for the opportunities
she’s been given. In every movie, she seems to play the same character. A
timid, unsure young woman who blinks a lot and runs her hand through
her hair and looks awkward.
Hi, where can I sign up to make millions of
dollars to do that, because I am pretty sure I would kill it.
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